Well, it’s been a while since I’ve let myself heard here, the reason is a pretty unpleasant one. Those who know me a bit are aware of the medical situation of my dad and know that his health is very bad at the moment.
There no longer are any possible treatments for his stomach and rectal cancer.
I can’t help forcing myself to ignore thought shooting through my head. I can’t do anything about it, it just happens…
Yes, easily and quickly I’ve brought up a very serious issue. A chapter not much read and in my case not easily discussed in the coffee corner.
Yet I can deal with it at work and in the presence of family and friends much easier than when I’m home alone.
Things like old-fashionably no more answering one of my three phones, leave msn wisely off and things like that, make it possible to ensure to keep my shaky head above the ice cold water. Trying not to drown in my in my thoughts and freaking out.
Sometimes, at the most weird moments of the day an hysterical and out of proportions rain of tears pours down my cheeks. I oversleep often, which is not surprising after a lousy 5 or 6 days with no more than 2 or 3 mini hours of sleep a night. I jump out of bed within the hour without any trouble or without neglecting the dog, jump in my red car and then my laugh disappears almost immediately.
It was not much better at work. With a low frequency I tried to put my head in the quicksand in an effort to establish to keep my chin above the stormy water.
Occasionally I succeed but it doesn’t go very well. My make-up usually is already cried off in my car and my haircut is not recognizable anymore as a haircut after smoking my first cigarette on my break at work.
Once again it’s a beautiful image to see. If I was not sad I would surely become it then.
Everything and nothing shoots through my brain..
Yet so much to tell, to cuddle, so much to do together.
dinsdag 11 maart 2008
woensdag 5 maart 2008
Early day
Yesterday my eyes were closed around 20.00h, mr. Sandman had come and there was no more to hold. I close down my computer quickly. Hastily, I say goodbye to a Flemish girlfriend on msn to whom I was having conversation at that time. Even the subject “men” couldn’t keep me awake. Weird… Sometimes you get beaten with that big Sandman-hammer at once.
And now, at 03.00h, I woke up… 02.50h to be precise, and however I don’t mind getting up early , I think this hour can be actually referred to as “in the middle of the night”. Anyway, I didn’t dare to close my eyes again because I feared I wouldn’t hear the alarm clock that would go of at 04.30h. There was no other option then just to get up… pffff…
The most nonsensical texts flashed though my head around that nightly inhuman hour and immediately I turned on my computer, see the result. I wrote a few words in that white Microsoft Word field hoping that I could decipher and adapt everything to a decent readable document. Well, I think I will have a difficult job to do so this evening.
After eight cups of coffee, using four subscriptions to visits to the toilet, I walk the dog again around 4 in the morning outside. I still wonder, while I step over supersized dog shit from other dogs to clean up that little thing my miniature dog produced, how it is possible that the residents of the house on the corner of the street could blame my dog a few weeks ago for putting a supersized shit on their garden. Which obviously couldn’t never have come out of that tiny hole of my little doggy.
Well then, I dump that bag which contained a not pleasant smelling and filthy looking ‘thing’ in the dumpster. Well, those 0.002 grams would not make a difference I thought.
When I got back home after a fresh walk at 2°C, I opened my Word-document again and wrote down a few words which popped up during my doggy walk. My brain was really overheated, that’s for sure.
I promised myself to read this text again later this day, because I would probably not be able to make lots of sense at this hour and figured my big fingers would let me down anyway.
Well, it’s now 6 o’clock and like being possessed I jump in my car in a hurry. How is it even possible to get up on a barbaric hour in the middle of the night and still have to hurry to get into my little red Nissan Micra to make shore I’ll be on time at work.
Man! This should not get any weirder. So early, this should not happen too often. Well, I have come fully equipped and full of enthusiasm at work. Work could not complain. Of course, what did you think. By the time y colleagues came to work, I was already up for half a day, isn’t it?
Nice! After having lunch at 10 in the morning, I needed to announce myself somewhere in the West of the country so I jumped full of good courage into my car again.
During the trip I enjoyed all the attention the flirting men gave me of course.
I used to be an ugly duck but now I seem to be a hot nice looking girl (if may believe others). Well, gentlemen from the past… Eat this! Eat your heart out! Teun turned into a pretty beautiful woman.
All the gentlemen at the time didn’t want to see or couldn’t see it. And now.. I even like to rub it under their noses.. Make them see what they missed, and my day can’t be better! Cheer cheer for the singles.
Okay, okay, back to my storie..
I’ll try to make a long story brief.. I’ve survived the meeting without falling asleep, safe an with a big ego I arrived back home. I jumped directly into my bed. I was broken, really tired. Men! How do I get it all together. My day began early and also ended early.
Eventually I can still put myself in the catgory of “people” because mr. Sandman did come early this day again. I’m still human!
And now, at 03.00h, I woke up… 02.50h to be precise, and however I don’t mind getting up early , I think this hour can be actually referred to as “in the middle of the night”. Anyway, I didn’t dare to close my eyes again because I feared I wouldn’t hear the alarm clock that would go of at 04.30h. There was no other option then just to get up… pffff…
The most nonsensical texts flashed though my head around that nightly inhuman hour and immediately I turned on my computer, see the result. I wrote a few words in that white Microsoft Word field hoping that I could decipher and adapt everything to a decent readable document. Well, I think I will have a difficult job to do so this evening.
After eight cups of coffee, using four subscriptions to visits to the toilet, I walk the dog again around 4 in the morning outside. I still wonder, while I step over supersized dog shit from other dogs to clean up that little thing my miniature dog produced, how it is possible that the residents of the house on the corner of the street could blame my dog a few weeks ago for putting a supersized shit on their garden. Which obviously couldn’t never have come out of that tiny hole of my little doggy.
Well then, I dump that bag which contained a not pleasant smelling and filthy looking ‘thing’ in the dumpster. Well, those 0.002 grams would not make a difference I thought.
When I got back home after a fresh walk at 2°C, I opened my Word-document again and wrote down a few words which popped up during my doggy walk. My brain was really overheated, that’s for sure.
I promised myself to read this text again later this day, because I would probably not be able to make lots of sense at this hour and figured my big fingers would let me down anyway.
Well, it’s now 6 o’clock and like being possessed I jump in my car in a hurry. How is it even possible to get up on a barbaric hour in the middle of the night and still have to hurry to get into my little red Nissan Micra to make shore I’ll be on time at work.
Man! This should not get any weirder. So early, this should not happen too often. Well, I have come fully equipped and full of enthusiasm at work. Work could not complain. Of course, what did you think. By the time y colleagues came to work, I was already up for half a day, isn’t it?
Nice! After having lunch at 10 in the morning, I needed to announce myself somewhere in the West of the country so I jumped full of good courage into my car again.
During the trip I enjoyed all the attention the flirting men gave me of course.
I used to be an ugly duck but now I seem to be a hot nice looking girl (if may believe others). Well, gentlemen from the past… Eat this! Eat your heart out! Teun turned into a pretty beautiful woman.
All the gentlemen at the time didn’t want to see or couldn’t see it. And now.. I even like to rub it under their noses.. Make them see what they missed, and my day can’t be better! Cheer cheer for the singles.
Okay, okay, back to my storie..
I’ll try to make a long story brief.. I’ve survived the meeting without falling asleep, safe an with a big ego I arrived back home. I jumped directly into my bed. I was broken, really tired. Men! How do I get it all together. My day began early and also ended early.
Eventually I can still put myself in the catgory of “people” because mr. Sandman did come early this day again. I’m still human!
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